A Different Kind of Pregnant

Since this is my first blog entry here on TheBump.ca, I think it’s only fitting that I give a little bit of background information about my life as a Mom and how I’ve come to be here. As with most parents, for my husband and I it has been a journey - One full of joy and wonder, excitement, heartbreak, loss and hope for the future.

In January of 2007 I became pregnant with my daughter, D. Getting pregnant has never been a problem, I feel so blessed to know that it’s something that comes fairly easily for my husband and I! I know that not everyone is as lucky. My pregnancy was fairly average, but not without its complications. I had bleeding, periodically, throughout the pregnancy - there were a couple of times we thought we’d lost her. Modern technology is a wonderful thing and seeing D’s little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen was incredible in those unsure moments. In September of 2008, my water broke and I gave birth to D at exactly 37 weeks via an emergency c-section. She was transverse, because of my bicornuate uterus, so it was the safest option. Thankfully, the surgery went very smoothly and the recovery was fast. Our little girl has been the light of our lives since that day!

Shortly after D turned 1 year old, we decided to start trying for another baby. We wanted to give D a sibling close in age, someone she could grow up with, play with and learn with. It didn’t take long and I was expecting again - only this time, to my surprise, I was carrying twins! My identical twin girls were due in July of 2010. I was overjoyed, overwhelmed and filled with so much love for these little babies. I carried my girls until May when I started having some concerns - cramping, contractions - and one day they got so bad that my husband and I went into labor and delivery. I was checked into the hospital for 2 weeks due to premature labor - we just wanted to keep our girls “cooking” for as long as possible. I was 28 weeks pregnant. At about 30 weeks along, I was sent home and told just to stay on bed rest… Everything seemed….not right. I didn’t want to leave the hospital, but was given no option to stay. Sadly, after my first night home, I woke up knowing something had gone wrong. We went back to the hospital to learn that due to an undetected placental abruption we had lost our beautiful twin girls, sometime after I’d left the hospital. Kira and Lydia were stillborn on the 27th of May last year. I was completely shattered.

The loss tore me apart. For a long time I was depressed, and scared, but it did not take away my hope for the future. My husband and I were given the OK by both my general practitioner and our OB to try again. I knew that having another baby would be a part of the healing process for me… Having said that, I knew it wouldn’t happen until the time was right. Until I was at peace. It wasn’t until I lost the desperation for a newborn, and the need to fill a void that I became pregnant with our fourth child.

So, here I am! I am expecting baby number 4, a little brother for my daughter D, and the newborn baby I’ve been wanting since she was just 1 year old. I’m happy, I’m excited even, but I’ve learned that pregnancy isn’t always a piece of cake. I don’t hold back when I go to the doctor’s office, and I’m no longer one of those people who doesn’t want to “bother anyone” with my concerns. If I’m worried about something pregnancy related, I’ll make a phone call to my OB without any qualms. It’s a different kind of pregnancy - I feel prepared but I haven’t found myself running out shopping for the baby like I used to do, or pouring through baby name books, or stocking up on diapers. While I know in my heart that everything will be OK, I don’t know if I’ll feel it’s really real until my son is in my arms. Having said all of that, I really do love being pregnant! Every moment is a blessing. Lately, I’ve been feeling my baby’s movement (the kid can really pack a punch!) and listening to his heartbeat regularly with a doppler I’ve rented. It helps me to feel connected to this life inside of me, and the farther along I get in my pregnancy the more at ease I feel.

Last month marked the 1 year anniversary since the loss of our twin girls. We visited their graveside and had a good cry, we told them all of the hopes and dreams we’d once held for them and that they would always be a part of our family. Afterward, we went out to celebrate - because life carries on and my husband and I are blessed with an amazing 2 year old little girl, and a new baby on the way this September. We are building our family, which is all we’ve ever wanted. So what more could I possibly ask for? While I can’t predict the future, I can certainly enjoy the ride there. :)

Kristin.